My Immense Fear of the Unknown

May 10th, 2020

I hate taking risks, and for the most part I think a grand majority of us feel the same way.

It’s just something that I don’t like doing, and I’m not really talking about the risk of asking someone out or shorting your portfolio because you think the market is about to crash. It’s just stepping out of your comfort zone. It’s unnerving to try something that you have no idea about. I’d like to claim that I’m an open-minded person but after growing up in Plano, Texas and going to Plano schools and eating local Plano food and hanging out with upper-middle class Plano students, and engaging in Plano education, I can assure you that I know jack shit about people and their backgrounds. There was a point when I was surprised to hear that not everyone could afford college. I’d just assumed it was something that everyone did, and honestly my constant sheltered upbringing has shielded me from much of the world’s difficulties. And to be honest, I don’t think anything has really changed. While I may have been exposed to certain things now as a college student, I can assure you that I really don’t know much of what I’m doing. I’m clueless about the world, and I think it’s come to a point where it is starting to hurt me.

I realized how risk-averse I really was when I decided my final project in my Concurrency Honors class this past semester (greatest course that I’ve taken during my time at UT. I highly recommend it!) I spent about a week debating whether I should go for a really interesting project or a safe bet that would give me a securable A for the semester. Looking back on this experience, I can’t help but acknowledge how sad this entire situation is. This class had been so valuable to my understanding of systems, and I was simply not willing to take the next step to solidify my learning. I was more concerned about my grade than doing something that was much cooler. In the grand scheme of things, there was no risk here, but the mentality that I had in that situation is not something I was proud of.

I think I need to be better about handling these small situations. I’m not really expecting myself to bring about a revolution and go and create some new startup or take some huge risk. Things start small, and I want to start focusing on building the habit of pushing my bounds with calculated risks. A lot of it comes from self belief and will-power. Hopefully I can amend these things in the future.