Nostalgic Feelings and Embracing Life

Another stream of consciousness February 11th, 2020

It is currently 1:01 AM in Austin, and I’ve been listening to some Coldplay gems for the past hour and a half while diligently reading some research papers. Right now I’m listening to an acoustic version of In My Place which has been putting me in the feels a bit. I’m just mainly thinking about my life and all the things that I’ve done to lead me up to this point. It’s a crazy whirlwind of events. I tend to live a lot in the past (especially during late nights when sad boi hours really peak lol). Coldplay has a special place in my heart that mainly reminds me of the days before college. I remember walking to Rice Middle School every morning, awaiting a new day with my friends and fellow classmates. I just remember having a lot of fun. A lot of Coldplay reminds me of high school days when I’d play some ensemble music with some of my closest friends (shout out to Six Strings). It all felt like so long ago. Could you believe that I used to play a musical instrument? Man, I’ve been so out of touch with the world these days, it’s actually kind of sad.

Right now Lovers In Japan is playing. This is such an underrated song. I don’t think people give Coldplay the credit that they deserve. These guys shaped the majority of my musical experiences as a kid. Lovers In Japan makes me feel like I’m running through a field, viewing each one of my memories as an event just happening by the sidelines as I run through the grassy Russell Creek fields. HGAP projects in high school with all my friends, lunch time in the orchestra room, weekend soccer escapades with the neighborhood gang, shenanigans in the physics classroom, feeling of doom walking into IB Chemistry (we had so many tough assignments), dreading to study for the SAT, pulling all-nighters to work on science fairs with Rishabh, intense quizzes in IB English HL, having no idea what the heck was going on in French, enjoying learning everything in WHAP and US History (best classes without a doubt), the uncountable failures of our science fair projects, learning to love myself and accept change as a good thing, getting roasted by my classmates for all the stupid things I’d do, the first romantic encounters (LOL), the one time I dressed up for my birthday bc I thought I was special lol, the sports triumphs and disasters, the upperclassmen that I looked up to, the cafeteria lunches, the last minute homework crunches after going a week on 5 hours of sleep, the disastrous but humbling college application process, the arguments with my parents, the anxiety while opening up the gradebook, the freshman year one hour bus rides where I would make close friends and watch movies everyday, the movies and sleepovers with my friends, the shittiness of semester exams, the relief of winter breaks, the days of the tech club where we did nothing but code or read about tech (rest in peace Mrs. MacKinney), the rainy days where we would all come in and put a smile on each others faces with a joke or a meme, the lunches where we would run across the stree to the church to get free food, the days where we would go to the indoor stadium to play some soccer before our next classes, the snow days, the super bowl watch parties, the piano lessons (thank you Dr. Ho), the bass lessons (thank you Dr. Zayas), the countless exams I have absolutely bombed, the countless exams that I’ve killed, the ups, the downs, the neutrals, the feelings of gratitude, my friends, my family, myself. I have lived a damn good life thus far.

Lost? just started playing. This is one of my favorite Coldplay songs ever, mainly because it focuses on how we can all feel lost when things aren’t going our way. Perserverence is key in anything that we do. I hope to continue to effectively battle all my trials and tribulations in hopes for success. One of my favorite lyrics: “Every door that I ever tried was locked”. I think many times we try certain things and sometimes the opportunities just aren’t there. However, I believe that with enough hard work, we can create those opportunities for ourselves. It requires insane amounts of self-belief. It’s such a gamble, to be honest.

I realize that in college I have been the loneliest I’ve ever been. Sure, I have learned a lot and I’ve taken challenges to push myself above and beyond to learn a variety of things, but I don’t think I’ll ever get the same excitement I had during my middle and high school days. I think my brain is playing a trick where I only remember the good things because there were plenty of things that I do NOT want to go through again. But, it’s freaking hard to deal with this feeling of loneliness. Back then, things were much smaller and life was expected day to day. Although I wasn’t the best of friends with many people, the memories still stick by. The stupid things, the funny things, the sad things, the exciting things. How can any of this go away? As much as I’ve wanted to go forward in life, I have to admit that I’m having a difficult time letting these things go. Turing has provided me a community that I am thankful for, but it’s just not the same. I don’t think it ever will be, and that’s okay. I can join a thousand clubs, go out on all the adventures, but I won’t get that same day-to-day feeling where I see everyone and just have a blast tackling the same crap that we were all going through. Maybe this is why my dad tells me to enjoy this moments when I get the chance to because I will literally never get these moments ever again.

It is now 1:38 AM. I think it’s time that I head to bed at this point. I want to keep bettering myself everyday. I don’t want to swallow myself up in this nostalgia. I want to move forward and accept my current circumstances. I have plenty of things that are going for me, so I should just focus on that.

The last song I’m listening to is Death Will Never Conquer by Coldplay. This short piece of one of the most haunting but freeing songs that Coldplay has released. Take a look for yourself.

If sweet death should ever come for me Let me know, boys, let me know If you hear him coming, won’t you let me flee Let me go, boys, let me go

One day death is gonna conquer me I’ll be down where the water flows I hope sweet heaven is the place for me Let me know, boys, let me know

If sweet death should ever come for me Take me down to some place below If you hear him coming, won’t you set me free Let me go boys, let me go

If you hear him comin’, won’t you say for me That I just don’t want to go

With that, I shall head to bed. Hope all is well to whoever is reading this.